Madonna wont stop calling!

This has been troubling me for over two months, but I have to get this out. Last year since I was so desperate for work, I took a job playing Santa Klaus which I'll never forget. I expected to be sitting in a store listening to Christmas wishes from children, but instead I sat at a club listening to adults, and you wont believe what they wanted! I should have saw it coming when my employer put on a wig, but I thought Travis was going to play the virgin Mary. At the club, he was Madonna.

When I arrived at the club all by myself, a person dressed in a long trench coat named Frank welcomed me saying "You're so cute!" then took me to the back entrance giggling, which made me feel uncomfortable, specially since he was wearing high heels. Inside, I felt like Dorothy from the Wizard of OZ, which made me feel even more uncomfortable, because I'm a man! Maybe that's what happened to these guys.

Anyway, after a dozen men ran off stage dressed like Ann Coulter, Candy (Frank) told me get ready, so I did. When I looked out at the audience through the curtain I noticed they was all female which made me feel better. Then a man on stage announced "Friends, I have a lovely surprise for you," signaling me with his finger he then said "Santa Klaus!" I then walked out on stage, looking back at Candy, not watching where I was walking, when I bumped into my bosses sharp breasts. When I saw Travis looking like Madonna, I couldn't talk. He then pushed me into a chair and started singing "Santa Baby" which made everyone cheer, but not me, because he was heavy!

After the song, the announcer invited everyone to tell me their wish list, which was pretty interesting coming from real females since I'm straight, but when one girl kept it simple and asked for my phone number, I wasn't interested, because it was Travis! I didn't give him my phone number, but he discovered it since I'm listed, and has been calling me since singing Madonna songs. Last one "Express Yourself." I've been expressing myself forever but he wont quit! What a man's got to do to keep another man off his lap?!!! I'm not crossing this borderline!

Karaoke, Dolly Parton, & adult diapers

We've all heard of it, Karaoke. Huh... What is it you ask? For the dummies who asked that question, I'll enlighten you before you risk your life! Karaoke is a music entertainment system providing prerecorded accompaniment to so-so songs that people sing live, following the words on a video screen, while the stage engulfs you as it implodes. That's what happened to me when I started to sing the Dolly Parton song "9 to 5", which might explain why Dolly is strap with safety wires when she performs. Don't believe me? The next time you see her in concert, notice how she bounces on stage. Not her breasts!

Karaoke suppose to be great entertainment, when in truth, it's a death trap! You go up on stage not worrying what you sound like, about to sing your heart out, but instead you scream your lungs out falling, like if you saw your grandma walking around naked, which I don't wish on anyone. When I saw her naked as a kid, not only did I scream, I lost control of my urine, but not when I fell through that stage since she wasn't around.

Karaoke. Don't do it! But if you have no choice, make sure you go to the bathroom before. If your interested, The Depend company makes a line of products for adults who can't hold their urine, like absorbency pads for women and men with both genitalia, or adult diapers for the ones who have never been trained all their life since their mom fell through a stage.

It's a cruel world out there, so don't die wet! No one is going to change you at a Karaoke bar before you go to the morgue. I know I wont!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dolly_Parton
http://www.depend.com/products/products_all.asp

The Large Hadron Collider and God

Ever wanted to meet God? You know we don't have a choice. Well before the end of this month we might meet the good lord before he sends some of us to hell. CERN, a laboratory for physicists in Geneva, is about to launch a particle accelerator called the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), 17 miles in diameter, which Nostradamus predicts will end the world, putting the Geneva Conventions out of business, leaving investors high and dry besides dead.

The people at CERN, some who don't believe in God, state they're gonna try to create God at the LHC, except he wont be like the God we know and love, Zeus, or even Buddha. This God will be a severely handicap God, with no arms or legs, making it impossible for haters to tie him to a cross. This God (aka Higgs Boson, not to be confused for bosom) is a tiny particle 100,000 times hotter than the sun, so you know he wont be a happy camper. Who can blame him if he kills us with more than just lightning. I don't.

Black Holes are the most uncontrollable destructive force in the universe, which is why physicists at CERN plan to create them too with the LHC, to witness them in their full glory, a split second before we implode. If there's ever a video that wont make it on YouTube, this is it, but I'm sure someone will surprise us. God?

Anyway, some people fear that black holes produced by CERN might destroy Earth after gravitating to Earth's core, knowing full well that black holes will evaporate by a never before seen hyped theoretical process by Stephen Hawking. Their fears originates from a lost bet by Stephen Hawking back in 2004 where he admitted his theory, Hawking radiation, was in error. An error Stephen corrected to get the desired result, like any good professor who doesn't want to look like a moron, stating that instead of being thrown into another universe if we get sucked into a Black Hole, we'll just burn up and return to our universe in a mangled heated form, similar to toast, to which God will eat us for breakfast. Think God will let us go to waste? Maybe if he doesn't have any jelly.

Another product CERN wants to create with the LHC, that's if you could call it a product before it absorbs you, which means you would have to speak faster than the Chinese (No offense), is a product called Strangelet. You don't want to know what this could do, believe me. Lets just say God wont eat us to avoid an upset stomach, specially since no one will be around to produce Alka-Seltzer.

References:
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Large_Hadron_Collider
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LHC_Safety_concerns
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LHC_Micro_black_holes
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hawking_radiation
* Hawking concedes black hole bet
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Losing_an_old_bet
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Higgs_boson_(God_Particle)
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CERN
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LHC_Strangelets
* Nostradamus LHC prediction, #44

Antibacterial Soap & Courtney Love

You probably wont believe it, sometimes I don't believe it, but not once did I write the last few months. Those first 3 blog entries took a lot out of me, like how you feel when you're dying of a virus caught from chimps that smacked you with their feces because you didn't have a banana.

Anyway, every year thousands upon thousands of people get sick from a new strain of virus, which might explain why Courtney Love looks the way she does. I wouldn't want to be caught dead in the same room with her, because I can't run away! Who wants to come back as a Zombie after getting infected? Not me! Because next thing you know we're getting married!

Sometimes a common cold virus, or germ you picked up from someome who recently cleaned their butt, can make you even more sick when your body defenses are weak from washing too much with antibacterial soap. The American Medical Association (AMA) state that antibacterial products, which includes what you use in the kitchen, help create resistant bacteria! Imagine not being able to kill the bacteria you picked up from Paris Hilton. I'm using her as an example since I hear she's dirty, even after showering with Palmolive dish washing liquid.

Regular soap and water gets rid of bacteria easily, by adhering it to the soap’s fatty acids, which become encapsulated in droplets of water and washed away. That's right! The first sentence of this paragraph was lifted from another article, but it's not plagiarism since I'm admitting to this. Think I want to go to jail where I'm forced to wash with Dial? Think again! Courtney might be there!

References:
* The Dangers of Antibacterial Soap
* Old virus causing new disease in United States
* Wikipedia: Antibacterial soap
* Wikipedia: Triclosan, potent antibacterial and antifungal agent
* Wikipedia: Dial soap

Long breaks (Hiatus) are good

You probably all know by now that I took a break from writing. Sometimes a good break, which is also called Hiatus, probably because an African got attacked by a Hyena he owned, prompting this person to take up writing, is good for the mind and soul if you don't own wild dogs.

Hope you all have a nice weekend!

Do you feel like screaming?

Seriously! Have you ever had the urge to scream at the top of your lungs? I'm not talking heavy metal type of screaming, or the kind of scream you might make after hitting your head on the floor due to choking on a pretzel like a certain president everybody calls Chimp. I mean the kinda scream you feel like screaming when you feel all is hopeless, like the whole world is caving in on you, minus the bolders. If you are currently feeling like that, there's a cure. SCREAM!

The only problem with screaming, is that people will think your in physical pain, or your gay. Now there's nothing wrong with being gay, but if someone calls you on it, remember not to say "fuck you", because they might be gay to, who will be very disappointed if you wont have sex or you deny your phone number. Believe me!

So what are you waiting for? Scream till you don't feel like screaming anymore until you pass out amongst friends who know you're straight.

Something to think about

Just for you people who are not currently thinking at this very minute, here's something to think about. No need to thank me.

How is it that Spider-Man can keep shooting webs without getting dehydrated?
My guess it's made of urine, because not one time have I've ever seen him use a urinal in a movie, which could also mean he's wearing adult diapers!


I hate to be in MJ's shoes! Imagine having a boyfriend with urine all over his hands!

Do you think she knows? -->

Shake 'n Bake, Tobacco, & Jimmy Hoffa

It's been a long time since I've done any creative writing. So since I have a brain I thought to myself "Maybe I should start a blog", and after tossing it around in my head like Shake ‘n Bake, I decided to start one.

So this is my first blog post. I bet you thought I was gona write about groceries, am I right? Well, I'm not! It's understandable if you got the wrong impression since I mentioned Shake 'n Bake above, but I promise you, I will never play with your head! Did you know Shake 'n Bake is a brand asset from Altria Group, formerly Philip Morris Companies? That's right! The same people who roll cigarette tobacco with their hands, also pack the bread crumbs into those Shake 'n Bake bags. So if you ever develop lung cancer, and you don't smoke, you know why!

Cigarettes kill millions of people a year, so you can imagine how many die from a bag of Shake 'n Bake! Jimmy Hoffa was rumored to be a heavy smoker and eater of bread crumbs, and it was also rumored that he punched Philip Morris in the mouth, since Jimmy probably developed cancer. If the authorities want to find Jimmy Hoffa, they don't have far to look, just the problem is most of them died of lung disease, which is why they never found him.

Shake 'n Bake suppose to be a product for good, but it just brings death! Nobody knows what it's made of, but you figure most people be able to tell if they ever smelled a cigarette before. They refuse to heed this aroma warning since they're addicted to the bread crumbs and nicotine that their body yearns for. They Shake, and shake, until it's time to bake, but before doing so they take a deep breath, not knowing it could be their last.

Where is the FDA on this you ask? They're busy proposing a ruling that would relax labeling regulations for irradiated foods, which is understandable. Why label a food product that it's been irradiated when it's already glowing? If people can't see the glare, then they deserve to get nuked! Hopefully this ruling goes through so the FDA can deal with more serious matters. Shake 'n Bake! Women and children are dying in kitchens over breaded fried chicken!

Update: Alexandra S overheard on the news that cigarettes are very healthy, so Shake 'n Bake is in the clear! That doesn't mean you can give a butt to a toddler, just children 6 and older in the presense of a police officer, so no one bums them for a smoke.

References:
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shake_'N'_Bake
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Altria formerly Philip Morris
* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_hoffa
* FDA proposes softening irradiated food labels