Thursday, April 5, 2007

Shake 'n Bake, Tobacco, & Jimmy Hoffa

It's been a long time since I've done any creative writing. So since I have a brain I thought to myself "Maybe I should start a blog", and after tossing it around in my head like Shake ‘n Bake, I decided to start one. So this is my first blog post.

I bet you thought I was gona write about groceries, am I right? Well, I'm not! It's understandable if you got the wrong impression since I mentioned Shake 'n Bake above, but I promise you, I will never play with your head! Did you know Shake 'n Bake is a brand asset from Altria Group, formerly Philip Morris Companies? That's right! The same people who roll cigarette tobacco with their hands, also pack the bread crumbs into those Shake 'n Bake bags. So if you ever develop lung cancer, and you don't smoke, you know why!

Cigarettes kill millions of people a year, so you can imagine how many die from a bag of Shake 'n Bake! Jimmy Hoffa was rumored to be a heavy smoker and eater of bread crumbs, and it was also rumored that he punched Philip Morris in the mouth, since Jimmy probably developed cancer. If the authorities want to find Jimmy Hoffa, they don't have far to look, just the problem is most of them died of lung disease, which is why they never found him.

Shake 'n Bake suppose to be a product for good, but it just brings death! Nobody knows what it's made of, but you figure most people be able to tell if they ever smelled a cigarette before. They refuse to heed this aroma warning since they're addicted to the bread crumbs and nicotine that their body yearns for. They Shake, and shake, until it's time to bake, but before doing so they take a deep breath, not knowing it could be their last.

Where is the FDA on this you ask? They're busy proposing a ruling that would relax labeling regulations for irradiated foods, which is understandable. Why label a food product that it's been irradiated when it's already glowing? If people can't see the glare, then they deserve to get nuked! Hopefully this ruling goes through so the FDA can deal with more serious matters. Shake 'n Bake! Women and children are dying in kitchens over breaded fried chicken!

Update: Alexandra S overheard on the news that cigarettes are very healthy, so Shake 'n Bake is in the clear! That doesn't mean you can give a butt to a toddler, just children 6 and older in the presense of a police officer, so no one bums them for a smoke.

* formerly Philip Morris
* FDA proposes softening irradiated food labels


  1. You obviously missed the big news story today- its all over. It turns out cigarettes are very, very healthy. There was some type of huge misunderstanding but now they are recommending everyone should smoke up at least twice daily beginning at the age of six.

  2. I guess Shake 'n Bake is in the clear.

    Thanks for the info, alexandra!

  3. No shit, It's really you? Got me some laughing-pissing minutes! God to se eyou got to the bloggersphere. Hope to laugh soon.
    Not to pressure you :)

  4. Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!